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Tuesday, 28 March 2017 | 0 comment[s]

To the person I once liked,

I am really, really sorry.

The day before you gave me the gift, I was full of doubt. I wanted to like you. I tried. I oh so hopelessly tried. And it worked! But only for a bit because I became hollow again. I lost the flame that I once held for you. I didn't know what to do; I stayed up until four in the morning seeking advice from friends who helped me come to the conclusion: I shouldn't lead you on if I wasn't sure about my feelings for you.

ใ€Œใฉใ†ใ—ใ‚ˆใ†ใ‹ใ€‚ใ‚ใชใŸใŒใพใ ๅฅฝใ๏ผŸๅฎŸใฏใ€็Ÿฅใ‚‰ใชใ„ใ‚ˆใ€‚ๆœ€่ฟ‘ใญใ€ใ‚ใชใŸใ‚’ไป˜ใๅˆใ†ใ“ใจใ‚’่€ƒใˆใ™ใŽใฆใ€้ ญใŒใ„ใŸใ„ใซใชใฃใŸใ€‚ใงใ‚‚ใ€็งใฎๅฟƒใฏไฝ•ใ‚‚ๆ„Ÿใ˜ใŸใ€‚ใจใฆใ‚‚ๆ€–ใ„ใ‚ˆใ€‚็งใ€ใƒญใƒœใƒƒใƒˆใซใชใฃใกใ‚ƒใฃใŸใจใ‹ใ€ๆœฌ็‰ฉ้›ชๅฅณใ‹ใ€‚ใ€
What do I do? Do I still like you? To be honest, I don't know. Lately, I've thought about the fact if I wanted to go out with you too much that my head started hurting. But my heart felt nothing. It's really scary. Did I become a robot? Or am I a true snow witch?

On the day you gave me the gift, I honestly felt bad. I had planned to tell you what I had felt on a Sunday - just so that you didn't have to carry this emotional baggage into work, and that it would've given you time to settle yourself before you saw me again. After you gave it to me, and I accepted it (because I didn't work to hurt you nor embarrass you because of your auntie and our co-worker), I ended up telling you early. And I knew you were hurt because you "went to sleep" at around 11pm when your usual time was in fact at 1am. I know, because I had been observing you for the past month when I was genuinely still into you; you were somehow always in my vision.

I asked you what you wanted me to do with the gift - whether you wanted to take it back and refund it or if you wanted me to keep it. I had asked my friends prior to this and they all told me to just give it back to you, letting you deal with it. I could've been that heartless, but because I still care for you as a friend, I couldn't. You told me to keep it, and so I did. When I opened it and researched the price for it, I could not believe the amount you had spent on me. It was much too expensive - something that I would've never bought for myself. I was shocked at first but then guilt flooded me all at once; I couldn't accept something like this without giving you anything in return - you had given me chocolate, roses and even a bear on Valentines, I wanted to get you something in return and so I did. I just hope you like it.

ใ€Œใใฎ้ซ˜ใ„ใฎใซใ€ๅ–ใ‚Šๆˆปใ•ใชใ„ใฎ๏ผŸ๏ผใฉใ†ใ—ใฆ๏ผŸใใ‚Œใ‚’็Ÿฅใ‚Œใ‘ใ‚Œใฐใ€ๅ—ใ‘ๅ–ใ‚‰ใชใ‘ใ‚Œใฐใ„ใ„ใ€‚ใ‚‚ใ†ใƒผ๏ผใจใซใ‹ใใ€ใ‚ใชใŸใฎๅนธใ›ใซใชใ‚Šใพใ™ใ‚ˆใ†ใซใ€‚ใ€
Despite it being this expensive, you won't take it back?! Why?! If I had known, it would've been better if I hadn't accepted it. Aaaahh. Anyways, I wish you happiness.

I'll be honest with you, I do not know if what I did was the right move. Because after what happened you have been appearing in my dreams more frequently as of late - nearly every single night. And do you know what happens? I always have this clawing sensation in my chest. It really hurt and it really made me sad. But I think, another reason was because I kept on remembering the look you gave me when I accidentally saw you the following day. You gave me a half-hearted wave and a hurt smile before turning away. Do you know how much that stung? Considering you were enthusiastically waving and smiling brightly at my little sister? It hurt. But I knew it was something I had to put up with; I did the deed and so I have to prepare myself for the consequences. There have been times where I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't told you but that's nothing I can take back now.

But I truly do wish for your happiness. I also pray that you aren't blaming yourself for this outcome; it was never you. It was always me for it started when I began overthinking things. I hope that one day, you'll find the girl who will make you so much more happier than I ever will.

I began with an apology so I'll end with a thank you.

Thank you liking me.

Thank you spoiling me.

Thank you for being there when I needed someone to talk to.

Thank you for trying your hardest despite me making it so difficult for you.

Thank you for your dedication.

Thank you for accepting me.

Thank you for always trying to make me smile.

Thank you for caring about me.

Thank you for helping me when I needed it.

And lastly, thank you, for allowing me to see that I still have the capacity to like someone again.

Edit:
The day we finally met after I told you my feelings and I have to say, it was not the most enjoyable thing possible. It got to the point that my chest and stomach started hurting, and I got called out by our co worker that I had a really depressing face and that I should smile more - I tried playing it off by saying that I was tired but I'm not too sure if I succeeded, haha.

In all honesty, today I was so much more worried about you than I was of me - even if I accidentally cut myself with the eating knife. I kept on glancing at you because you kept on emitting this sad, hurt aura. It really hurt me to see you not smiling because you were always the type to smile. I really really hoped that it wasn't my fault you were like this but I can't deny the fact that I did think it was, because you kept on avoiding me. Honestly, I would've done the same thing so I knew it was just selfish of me to wish that you would've treated me the same as usual. I wanted to avoid you as much as possible because I didn't want to hurt you, so I kept our interactions as minimal as possible.

But then, the time I gave you the bag you got really emotional and gave me this really wounded look. It looked like you were going to cry and to be honest, that made me really sad. It made me think, "ah, maybe I shouldn't have done this" because yes, it was selfish of me because I wanted to lessen the guilt I had clawing at me but also because I wanted to thank you for all that you've done for me. When I walked away I saw you go to the bathroom and then I heard a thump, and that thump sounded eerily like a punch to the wall so I knew that was you. I don't know why you did that but I genuinely hope that you didn't hurt yourself haha. And then when you came out, you went to the lower section of the restaurant, just aimlessly walking around. It looked like you were trying to sort your emotions. I hope you did haha.

Edit 2:
We finally had a proper talk! Well, to be honest, I just wanted to thank you for making my mood brighten. I was in the middle of a pool game when you messaged me that my handwriting was ugly and in all honesty, I cracked up. I couldn't help it. It just literally slipped passed my lips, and I couldn't help but smile. So thank you for that; it was probably the highlight of the day, getting told my handwriting was ugly. I know things are going to be hard for you specifically, in terms of you getting the brunt of the teasing and that you will feel uncomfortable with me around once in awhile and if you need space from me, just tell me. I'll respect it and move away. I have honestly thought of quitting just so that I could stop hurting you, but since you told me that you enjoyed working with me I decided not to, because I, too, enjoy working with you.

I hope that we get to talk more like this. Because it actually makes me feel more connected to you, considering that we've never talked like this. It helped me get to know you more. It also gave me a chance to actually reveal my feelings a bit more, I guess. And even though I've done what I've done, I genuinely hope that we can still be friends.

So, please, take your time and don't rush yourself. If you need space, tell me. I'll gladly step out of your life for a bit if you need me to. I've written it before but I'll say it again: I still care for you so please, smile. That's all I really want you to do to be honest. I don't care if you do end up hating me for what I've done as long as you're smiling. Then I'll be fine. Just smile.
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